Below is the unedited letter that I wrote to my former Uni-friend a year ago, when suddenly memories had surfaced in me, and I had come to realize the sensational insight – that I didn’t rape myself that night, six years ago while studying for my Master’s. Someone else raped me. Having sex without consent, and having sex with an unconscious person, is a crime. Spelled rape.
I’m sharing this letter as part of my other blog-post where I am writing about my own victory in this case – the blessing of forgiving. Forgiving the man who raped me, and forgiving myself.
I’m sharing this story for the sake of anyone who ever have been abused or violated, and who have blamed themselves, and who has allowed the shame to keep them quiet and small. Now, I feel at peace with the situation, but I certainly didn’t a year ago. This is also my way of expressing my deepest gratitude to Denise Clair and the woman who was raped by Brock Turner – their courage to share their stories, brought my own story back to me – and suddenly I could see it in a new light, which was my first step to forgiveness and healing. Thank you for your courage! Thank you for giving me hope and strength when I needed it!
Long time no see. Long time no speak. How are you? I hope you are doing well! It is a shame that I couldn’t make it to the reunion from our masters. Five years since we graduated! Wow! Time really flies, right..?
It is a shame I couldn’t come, cause I would really like to see you!
To be honest, to see you is the only reason really I would liked to have gone..! To see you and talk to you,
about how you are and what you are doing, and also, to talk to you about that night, that party, also five years ago… I haven’t forgotten, maybe you haven’t either..? Until now, I have not spoken to anyone, apart from my best friend about this. And I learnt from her that you were concerned about me. If I was OK that night, if I got home OK that night.
Yes, I got home. But not OK.
I was raped.
Raped by, a to me stranger, with all I remember had eyes that reminded me of an ex-boyfriend of mine.
I was later told by my friend, that you knew him.
I still don’t know his name.
I don’t want to know.
I have no idea if I saw him around campus, perhaps I did, and if so, I didn’t even have to fake to not recognize him, cause truth is, I have no idea what he looked like. I don’t remember anything from the event, apart from seeing him next to you, dark hair and eyes that reminded me about my ex. I can recall that we kissed. But how it all started I have no idea. And how or where it ended even less.
My last memory is being outside in the dark, how I got there, I don’t know, I saw blinking lights, lights around me, all was spinning, black night and blinking lights.
And next thing I woke up, in my bed, thank God! but that relief faded fast when I realised that I had NO idea how I got there! and even less, when I realised that, I was completely NAKED under my duvet. Where were my clothes? And why were they not on?
How or who made that happened I do not know.
Why I write to you is that, one of the last clear memories I have that night is how You Looked at me.
I believe that you knew. But maybe I am wrong..?
I believe that you knew that no, I was not OK.
and No, I was not meant to go home with that man.
But what do I know, perhaps that was all in my mind, but I can’t forget how you looked at me.
I wish that someone had taken my hand, put me in a taxi, given me water and put me into bed.
I shouldn’t have gone with a stranger who obviously thought the situation was great.
Did I invited him home?
I have no idea.
Did he suggested we go back to mine?
I have no idea.
I can’t remember exchanging a word with him. Can’t remember anything, I was not even sure if it had happened at all.
What made me wary the next morning, was a horrible horrible feeling of PANIC in the whole body that something was terribly terribly wrong.!!
I could not remember getting home, but I just had this feeling, had this feeling, that someone had been there with me..!
When I crawled out of bed, I had my nightmare confirmed. On my desk was a small, handwritten note, with a name and a number, and I think something ridiculous was written like:
“I love you!” I am not sure, since the paper was shredded into 1000 small pieces between my fingers before I even had the chance to register what it said.
and when I turned around, and saw, saw the USED condom hanging on my photos above my bed, I did not know whether to feel grateful to know that at least there had been a condom,
or horrified, that my horrific feeling in the body was confirmed
Someone had sex with me the night before
Someone, I don’t know who, had sex with me the night before. I can’t recall having sex with the person, but someone obviously had sex with me..
“It’s not a crime to take some home” my friend said to me when I rang her that day. I was terrified and scared, filled up by the dark horrifying feeling that I thought that someone had been there with me, someone I could not remember but felt like a dark shadow, like a feeling from a nightmare that wouldn’t let me go even though the day had broken. And the PANIC lurked in my chest and filling up my whole body that I could not remember what had happened. It was all black. Wanted to scream and run. But too terrified to even leave the flat.
No it’s not a crime to take someone home.
But having sex with an unconscious person is.
I have learn that now.
That having sex with an unconscious person is indeed a crime, and it is spelled
Finding that out, is just like finding that used condom, equally mortifying that my worst nightmares where correct, and also somewhere reassuring that then at least my feelings about this was right..!
I always felt so used and abused and so soo soooo ashamed for this story-
seen it in my head as the night when I raped myself, cause how can I blame him if I seemed to be up for it?
Now I know that sex without consent is indeed RAPE
and were was my consent if I could not even speak a sentence with the man? I am astonished I got home, I am amazed how I could open the front door, even less get up those stairs, what do I know, perhaps he carried me?
I have learnt that sex without consent is indeed a crime
and someone who hardly know her name can surely give very little consent, right?
And an unconscious person, even less consent..
I wished afterward, oh so many times, that non of this had happened! That I’d done what I feel like doing, staying in capoeira, ditched the party, and gone home to SLEEP, like I needed..
I also wished that someone had realised and intervened.
That someone had seen what was about to happened and a friend taken me home instead, and put me into bed.
But be sure, please be sure that I don’t blame the friends around me, I know the responsibility was in my hands to be safe and sound, and not to be given away to a liquor bottle..
Regarding the friends around me, I do understand, I know what it is like..
It was a drunken night, most people acting like fools, and it is hard to know when the line is crossed
I know how hard it is to judge what is right to do
Just as I remember when our other classmate was equally drunk that Xmas party, dancing like a mad on the dance floor, and decided to go home with that guy, some guy she just met.
We were there, you and me and other people, in Frankenstein, everyone dancing and drinking
But that night, seeing her with that guy and deciding to go home with him,
It gave me stomach ache..! I wasn’t sure if she really wanted to do that..! but I didn’t know her well enough, I felt, to judge what she wanted, and if she usually did stuff like that.
I sent her a message the next day to ask if she was OK.
She said she was.
but who knows.
I said I was OK too after that night
Too ashamed to say anything else.
I most apologies for telling you all this, and I hope that you can understand that I don’t do this to blame anyone or anything, and you the very least. It just that I suddenly see the situation in a new light after finding out, what I felt, but didn’t know, that having sex with an unconscious person is a crime
I write to you, cause as far as I know, you are the only person a part from my friend that know about this, but perhaps you know things that I don’t know!?
and I do realise that this guy for his part, might as well, can have shared his side of his story to many many people (and what he potentially else could have shared I do not even dare to think about.. )
Oh, let me be clear about that, even if you know any other details about this night, please please spare me the details of letting me know! I can honestly tell you that I DONT WANTO KNOW! And I don’t want to know who he is! I really don’t! Please spare me that! The only thing I wish, is that he somehow one day will know and realise that he acted so soo terribly wrong and badly.
Using the situation and using, me..!
But I don’t want to know ANYTHING about him and don’t want contact with him!
I do apologies for telling you all this, but I do not want to carry this burden of shame and blame on myself anymore. I finally realise now that I didn’t rape myself,
cause who can rape on self?
So I wish to lift that silent burden of blame and shame on myself and speak up about this
I have yet not told a single friend, and never spoken to my friend about it again, apart from that day when I rang her and she said in passing a couple of days later that you had asked if I was OK , and that you knew the guy
That is why I tell you.
It was thanks to reading about the horrible Brock Turner’s rape story that I realised.. when I read the story about the victim, and I realised that could have been me.. that it in deed was me that night..
I was not attacked behind a dumpster, but in my own house, with a stranger, had it been outside had he perhaps like Turner left me there, now he left me passed out in my own bed, thank God for that at least
and thank God for that he had left when I woke up
Had he still been there I believe I would have had for sure had a panic attack and crazy fit on him..
When I read the letter from the victim to Turner, it indeed moved me! But I didn’t even realise then that I had been there too… when I next day read the answer from Turner’s dad, it made me mad, but I didn’t recognize my own story in that either.. It was on the following day, in the midst of a yoga session, when it suddenly hit me like a flash, that My Horrible memory, which I never spoken about, suddenly I saw that her story was MY story, and had he suggested we go outside, it could have been me found unconscious on the ground with an attacker above. Now, it seem like that took place, but in my own house.
I feel as though, it’s lucky that I didn’t know back then, that it is a crime to have sex with an unconscious person,
cause I just wanted to, just really wanted to just forget about it
But obviously I can’t
It is still with me, five years after it happened, and until now I have only ever spoken to my friend about it, but only briefly that very day after, and in passing when she told me you asked if I was OK
Not even to my friend have I admitted what really happened or how I felt..
“Taking someone home is not a crime..” she said to me, to comfort me..
But it didn’t comfort me. Cause I didn’t know if I had taken someone home. Or if someone had begged to come with me, or even less what had happened to me at home, and even less who that person even was..
..glad I don’t know who he was..
This story I have kept to myself, buried deep deep inside,
when it all suddenly comes up, and finally, out
At the time of when it happened, thank God it was just by the break so I didn’t have to see anyone, don’t think I would have made it to school..
I spent a week, sitting in my flat, on a chair, staring out the window. was meant to get started on my dissertation, but I was paralysed.. Couldn’t focus
when I said it to my mum, that I couldn’t concentrate, she told me try harder,
so I did
and decided that it was my fault
That it was Me who raped myself
and I made a list of 10 things I was never ever allowed to do again.
10 rules and I said them to myself over and over and over again
I can’t remember them now
Apart from one, to not ever ever do shots again, which is to be fair not a bad one
” watch out for drunk white men, especially students” was not on the list, but it surely should have been..
to not be violated again was not on the list,
nothing to do with others,
all to do with my part of this, cause surely it was my own fault for this had happened..?
well, now I know differently. Undeniable you make yourself unnecessary vulnerable by being stupidly drunk,
but that is still not an invite to use and abuse you, or to put your dick into an unconscious woman, as suppose to put her to sleep until she is herself again.
Being too drunk is indeed stupid and potentially dangerous, but it is not a crime.
Penetrating an unconscious person on the other hand is
Perhaps he didn’t realise? I used to think, but now, no surely he must have know. Must have noticed that I was Gone.
I have no idea if you still have contact with this man
I don’t really want to know
even if you did, I have nothing really to say to him
Apart from showing him the video about sex without consent, is a
and it is spelt
No more, no less
It is spelt
Its been a long time, but nice to finally speak to you, and get this off my chest,
five years later
Better late than never, right!?
And I do apologies for putting this on you, however I hope you don’t mind, you are big and strong, that I share this with you, and I hope you understand that I am doing it in an attempt to be BRAVE and stop blaming myself for a crime that was committed to me, and not that I, as I always thought, committed to myself.
Apart from this, yes I am fine and living in Rio de Janeiro. It has it’s high and lows. Rio is a crazy and amazing city, you have the best times and the worse days, but it is just all so worth it..! 😉
My friend, I would love to hear about you! and I hope I have not upset you with this letter, and I hope that you can understand where I am coming from and hopefully able and willing to take it in. By me writing this I am admitting to things I never EVER wanted to speak about EVER. But now I do. and that at least feels good.
Look after yourself my friend and in case you are in contact still with that man, feel free to share the link below and my message
Só isso! as we say here in Brazil, just that!
x Fia x
Sex without Consent;
“Just remember, for the next time, unconscious people don’t want tea, nor sex.
having sex with an unconscious person is a crime, called rape.
I wish you well and a good night sleep, for the next coming five years”