Hello there! Long time, no see! So it seems to me at least, since my blog-updates seem to have become more sporadically ever since I left Ubud in the end of July.
As a part of my writing practice, I have decided to publish on my blog regularly, with a frequency of something like once a week or every two weeks. The primary personal criteria I have, is content over frequency, thereby to publish when I have something to say not just publish for the sake of publishing. Thus saying that, I intend to publish regularly to not lose the momentum and to practice to regularly publish.
Yet, suddenly, I feel as though I have lost the momentum, running out of things to say, and the things I wish to write about, I feel too embarrassed to publish. Since I am back from Bali the blog update has become much more sporadic! Have I really run out of things to say..? My brain is on holidays?
..or lost the confidence?
In all honesty, I am sitting here with no less than 8 drafted blogs that are practically finished, but I can’t make myself publish them.. the topics are really varied and I believe they all are all interesting enough to publish. From why it might be the best thing for the US that Trump was elected after all (!) to why diets don’t work and my personal inquiries into rebuilding a relationship with food which is based on a trust in the knowledge of my body and myself as supposed to based on fear and stress. Other topics are about how Shanti Shanti Shanti seemed like nothing but a cliche until it suddenly got a whole other meaning when I could see through the words and feel its meaning inside out, etc etc.
It’s all sitting there, ready to go! Yet, I am not doing it.
Something is Stopping me from pressing that Publish bottom.
I’m wondering if there is a new judge of self-criticism who has sneaked its way into my life and is over looking my shoulder and pointing its finger at the blogs and whispers in my ear:
“Don’t say that! It is a weird thing to think!” “Don’t publish that! It is too personal!” “Don’t put the blog up! It really stinks!”
I am wondering to myself if a sense of fear has sneaked its way into me and preventing me from publishing. Perhaps beacuse suddenly I am physically close to the majority of people who might read it!?
It has never been a burden to write the blog before – rather the opposite! I love doing it! Normally I really enjoy writing a blog and publishing it, even though it has been really scary and extremely intimidating a number of times when the topics were very personal and sensitive. I have published stories from my past here on my blog that I thought that I would NEVER EVER tell anyone!
But I did it anyway and I have found the blog to be a forum where I can express these stories and release them out from my system and into the world. As much as it has on a number of occasions been shit scary, and have given me vulnerability hangover (such as after I came out with my eating disorders, or after writing about an old rape I felt so paranoid that I didn’t want to see ANYONE for about a week after!) I have dared to do it and published those personal and sensitive blog posts. Somehow I have managed to have the safety net of the screen between me and my readers that I can sort of ignoring that people that I know really actually reads it.
I started my blog whilst living in Rio de Janeiro and I started up with publishing extremely personal posts. As much as it did freak me out doing it at the time, I also calmed myself down by reassuring myself that the likelihood that someone who was in my sourrendigs would actually read it was slim, and somehow it made it easier then to write it, publish it and then get on with my life.
Same thing while writing my blog from Bali. Being physically far from friends and family who most likely would read it, somehow made it easier at least in my mind, to publish extremely personal things while I was there.
And now.. back in Europe. Physically close to my family and friends again, which is great! However, perhaps it is increasing those critical voices in my mind, knowing that the people around me will actually read what I write! Not that it does matter, but it is perhaps enough for me putting off doing it. Stopping myself from just
Looking here at all my very-close-to-finish-blogs all I hear in my mind is the skeptical and rather critical voice about the blogs imperfections. However, I do know, at least in theory, that Done is better than Perfect! So I should just put them up there even if they are not the best blogs I have ever produced, or this world has seen. The idea of perfection can many many times prevent us from completing projects we have started, or giving us so much pressure that we do not even dare to begin in the first case. Self critizisng a blog is only one tiny example of that. I beleieve that most people have at least one area of their life where the idea of Perfection is stopping them to complete a project, or even from beginning it! Some people seem to struggle so much to find the Right workout gear and shoes before they start training that they never make it to the gym. Others need to lose weight and purshing a new wardraw before they dare to go on a date. Or figuring out what their dream job is before they dare to admit that they do not like what they do and start to look around for an alternative.
Therefore in a personal attempt to break this spell of listening to the critical voice which is stopping me from publishing on the blog, I am putting this blog up today, to at least have finished something. The other 8, with more political and personal content which are sitting in draft close-to-finish, I will let rest there for another little while. The content of the other eight, I honestly I believe is way more interesting than this one, nonetheless, perhaps when I have moved myself to the other side of the world again, will I dare to publish them? Hopefully, it should not need to take a physical distance to friends and family, for me to regain the confidence of publishing more personal, and more interesting things. So please keep your eyes open and I hope that I can offer a slightly more interessting content on this blog next time. If not before so at least when I am further from the physical presence or my friends and loved ones!
Until then, I apologize for a seemingly content-thin blog and hoping that you can at least take the message to heart that completing something, is better than letting the idea of perfection killing the completion. So this blog, turned out far from perfect, however, at least it is done and completed!
Thank you for listening!
Until next time!